( Afirilt. OKI Phil's BittlKl'v) A Complete De- 

^I:W PLAYS. J How Ho Did It, The Spy ol' All:uita, > scriplive Cat- 
(. Toe's Visit, The Coining Man, j alogue FREE. 

J%r ohorr 7.7 rnit'i each except The Spy of Atlanta, which, is £o cents. 




AMES' Series of 

STANDARD AND MINOH DRAMA, 



TWAIN'S DODGING 



IN ONE ACT, 



BY — 



.V. .VEWTOX FIELD, 



WiT/fCAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES AND EXITS, RELATIVE 

POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, DE- 

aCRIPTION OF COSTUME, AND THE WHOLE OF 

THE STAGE BUSINESS, AS PERFORM^ 

ED A T THE PRINCIPAL AMEB^ 

ICAN AND ENGLISH 

THEATRES. 



CLYDE, OHIO: 

A. D AMES, PUBLISHER. 



I 



f' NEW PLAYS. 

7d. ADlllFT. A Tciiipcrance Drama, in Ihree acts, by Clias. W. Babcock, 

M. i). Six male, four ieiuale cluiraeters. Good oluiracters lor leading man, 

>) villain j comedy, jiivcuilc, a capital negrw, and jolly Irishman. ALso leauingla- 

^ dy, little girl," juvenile lady, and old negress. A deep plot, characters well ^ 

(^) drawn an(l language i)ure. Easily produced. Scenery simple ond costumes (j 

(ju modern. Time of pert'ermance, oue'hour and a half. ^ 

^\ 76. HOW HE DID IT. A comic Drama in one act, by Jolin Parry, three ^ 

^'^ male, two female charactu'rs. An amusing scene from real life. A ploi is laid ^ 

%^i to cur3 a husband, who having lost a lirst wife whom he domineered over,. tries (1 

W totre.it a secohd one in liKe manner. A splendid comedian's part. Time about ^ 

(j) thirty minutes. C/'ostumes modern. (I 

( A 77. JOES VISIT. An Kthiopean burlesque on the Rougli Diamond, two "\ 

^. male, one female characters. Easily producea and very laughable. Can also be ^ 

i played white. Time twenty minutes. Costumes extravagant negro. ^ 

) 78. AJS a WFUL\CR IJSI INAL. A Farce in one act, by J. Palgrave Simpson, ^ 

,) three male, three female characters. Plot excellent anu its development very \ 

) amusing. Thw oftener produced the better it is liked-— is in one scene and easily J: 

^ put upon the stage. CJostumes siinple. Time thirty-live minutes. >* 

) 71). THE SPY OF ATLANTA. A Grand Military Allegory in six acts, by (jt 

]) A. D. Ames and C. (J. hartley, fourteen male, tliree females. This play is found- ^ 

() ed on incidents which occiircd during the war of tlie llebellion— it introduces ^^ 

]j Ohio's brave and gallant McPiierson — the manner of his capture and death, it if 

y ;abounds with beautiful tableaux, drills, marches, battle scenes, Andersonville, J^ 

]5 'etc., and is ])ronounced by tne press and public, the most successiul military ^1 

^ "Iplay ever prt)duced. G. A. R. Posts, Military Companies and otiier organiza- ^ 

,^ 'tioiis, who may wish somethingwhich will draw, should produce it. it may ^ 
< jiot be out of place to add that this play with the incidents of the death of Mc 
, 'Pherson, was writt^m with the consent of the General's brotiier, Jri. P>. McPher 
;^ . son,^since dead, .who fully approved of it. Price 'Irt cents jfcr copy. 

% 80. ALARMINGLY SUSPICIOUS. A Comedietta in one act; by J. Pal- % 

■•) grave Simpson, four male, three females; This play ii? easily arranged, and^,the ^/^ 

s ,i)lot excellent. Somethings are "Alarmingly Suspicious" nowever, and itAvil I *^ 

<. '.please an audience. Time fortv-tive minutes. " ^y 

.J ■ • d) 

([) SU . OLD- PHIL'S BIRTHDAY. A serio-comic Drama in two acts, by J. ^ 

(J) P. Wooleivtivy male, two females. Scenery easily arranged. Costumes modern. y; 

1^^ One of the purest and most attractive plays ever published. ThC;Charcter of '^\ 

"Old Piiil" cannot be excelled, and the balance are every one gooil.'-^Time one ^ 

iioiir aud forty-five ainutjs. ' ^ 

82. KILLING TIME. A Farce in one act, one male, one female. .^ Scene'a (fj) 
drawing room. Costumes modern. A woman held captive at home by the rain (|) 
.•jeeks to "kill time." How she does it is told bv this farce. __Time about thirty* ,,|v 
tninutts. I J 

83. OUT ON THE WORLD. A Drama in three acts,== five males, four fe- ify 
niales. Scenery not difiicun. Modern costumes. A ' thrillingipicture of love, (f) 
fidelity aud devotion. ICxcellent leading characters;, andi Irish comedy, both fq, 
male and female. Can be produced on any stage. Time two hours. _An*Amer- 3|,x 
ican Drama. ^ 
^ 84. CHEEK WILL WIN. A Farce for three male characters, by W. E. A 

(1) Suter. Costumes modern. Scei;e plain apartment. It is said that nothing will «|_) 

(j) carry a man through the world as well as plenty of "cheek." A striking ex- ^ 

ample is given in this farce. It will please all. Time thirty.ininutes. ^ 

(| 85. THE Outcasts wife, a domestic Drama in three acts, bv Colin S 

H. Hazlewood, twelve males, three females. Costumes modern.SSt Aithrilliiig (jT) 

play of the blood and thunder order, abounding.; in exciting scenes, and hair- ^ 

breadth escai)es. Is a favorite wherever produced, "and:, has leading man, old ^ 

(h) man, juvenile and comedy characters. The "wife" is a''grand one for leading ^ 

p .lady, and there is a good comedy. Time one hour,and forty-five.,minutes. |^ 

q^ 8(J. BLACK VS WHITE OR THE NIGGER AND YANKEE. A Farce J 

in one act, ))y (ieo. S. Vautrot, four niales, two females. Simple scenerv. Mod- ^j^ 

ern costumes. In tliis farce is combined the Ethiopean and Yankee, both J^ 

(. ) characters being very funny, as well as other excellent parts. Time of perform- ^ 

* ancc, thirtv-tive minutes. (Jl) 



I 



n r^ -, r^ -7 f^ : -^^ - -j - ozo-.. ^j cz :r::.Qx j ci.:^ r.ia-z-3Q/c:-zo^Qj(yo.cQjac^ 



TWAIN's DODGING. 



An Sthiopean Farce 

BY 

/ 

A. HBWTOM FIELD, 



ATTTHOR OF, 

School, The Hominy Man, Those Awful Boys, Other People's Chil- 
dren, Keverses, The New Magdalen, The Yankee Duelist, etc. 

With cast of Characters, Entrances and exits, as performed at the 
Opera House, Clyde, Ohio. 



A I 



Entered according to act of Congress, in the year 1880, h, 
. ^x ^ ^' ^- AMES, * ^ 

m the office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 






CtTDE, OHMk 

A. D. AMES, Publisher. 



fji^'j 



"h 



TWAIN'S DODGING. 

Cast of Characters as performed at the Opera House, Clyde, Ohio, 1880. 

Twain > A. Newton Fidd 

Old Hardlife W. H. Arlin 

John Dodge Jerry Hunt 

Miss Hardlife ..Frank West 

COSTUMES. — Extravagant negro, to suit the characters. 

PROPERTIES. — A tahle, several chairs, newspaper, bell, tray, 
cup and saucer, pitcher of water, money, stuffed club. 

Time of performance, tweutj mi&utea. 






TWAIN'S DODGING. 



ACT I. 

SCENE FIIL^T.— Chamber, table a. c, two chairs, b. andh. of table. 
Sell on table. — Hardlife discovered with newspaper seated l. of table. 

Hardlife. Confound the girl ! After years of hard labor, to ed- 
ucate her, she is going to marry against my wishes. But, {tragically) 
ere the setting of another sun, she shall be a prisoner until she does. 
Marry John Dodge, indeed I As if my daughter should stoop so low 
as to marry a Dodge. No such dodging for me. {looks at paper — 
pulls out watch) Half past eight, and no breakfast yet. Here, Twain, 
you rascal ! Twain ! Twain, I say ! {rings bell violently) Twain, 
come here ! 

Enter Twain h. 2 e., slowly. 

Twain. Hum ! 

S'ard. Where is my breakfast, you imp? 

Twain. Your breakfass am in de kitchen, I suppose. 

Sard. Were you aware that I have had none this morning ? 

Twain. Neither have I had any. 

Hard. That, sir, is nothing. You know my business hours, and 
should see that I Lave my breakfast in time every morning. 

Twain. Is dat so ? 

Hard. Yes, sir, that is so. {stamps foot) Do you hear? My 
breakfast ! 

Twain. Yes, 1 hear your breakfass. You needn't make such a 
fusB about it. 

Hard. Well,, go and fetch it immediately ! 

Twain. Fetch it here ? 

Hard. Yes, you block-head, where else would you fetch it? 

Twain. I fly. {goes sloioly l. 2 e,, and exit. 

Hard. Did ever a man in the world have as much trouble before, 
with stupid servants ? 

Re-enter Twain, l. 2 k. 



6^ 

TWAIN'S DODGING, O V 



O 



Twain. What do you want for breakfass ? /\ / ^ 

Sard. Some tea and some toast, will do. y 

Twain. Do you want yer toast buttered? 

Hard. Of course I do. 

Txvain. I fly. (c«t< ^- 2 h. 

£arc^. I will call that silly girl, and tell her what she may ex- 
pect from me if she disobeys me. {goes e. 2 k. calls) Molly, come 
nere I 

Enter Molly, e. 2 b. 

Molly. Good morning, papa, 1 thought you had gone. 

Hard. "Well, you see I'm not, and whats more, I shall stay here 
all day and prevent any interviews between you and that fool 
Dodge. 

Enter Twain, l. 2 b. 

Twain. Do you want yer toast toasted ? 

Hard. Of eoui-se I do, ycu fool. 

Twain. Well, don't get so confounded mad, I shan't hurt you. 

Hard. Come, be gone I 

Twain. I fly. {exit i- 2 E. 

Hard. As I was saying, I have had an ofier for your hand, and I 
mean that you shall marry no one but Casper Plane— Do you hear? 

Molly. Well, dad, I've had an ofl'er for my hand, and I mean, to 
marry no one but John Dodge. Do you hear ? 

Hard. What I Do you mean to defy me, you ungrateful baggage? 

Molly, {sitting -R. of tab^e) That's just about the size of it, pop, 
and I don't care whether you are pleased or not. 

Enter Twain, l. ^ b. 

Twain. What did you say you wanted besides toast and butter? 

Hard. I said 1 wanted some tea. 

Twain. What kind of tea. Hot or cold? 

Hard. Hot tea, of course. 

Twain. Do j^ou Want any milk or sugar? 

Hard. Certainly I do. Come hurry. 

Twain. I fly. {exit l. 2 k. 

Hard. Now, Molly, I say you shan't marry anybody but Casper, 
and if you don't say here, and now, that you will do as I bid you, I 
shall lock you up in your room till you do, and you shall have'noth- 
ing to eat but bread and water. Do you hear, miss ? Bread and 
water. 

Molly. I don't get much better now. But give me until to-night 
to think of it. 

Hard. Very well, I shall go down town as soon as I have eaten, 
and shall nut be back till night, so you can make up your mind as I 
dictate, or sufl"er the consequences. 

Enter Twain, l. 2 e. 

Twain. What kind of tea do you want, green or black? 

Hard. Green tea, you whelp. 

Twain. There's no green tea. ' 

Sard. Then give me the blackest you've got. 



TWAIN'S DODGING, g 

Twain. I fly. (exit L. 2 B. 

Hard. You cau go to your room, Molly. I have no more to say 
except that j'-ou shall marry no one but Casper Plane. 

Molly, {going r. — aside) And I know I shall marry no one, but 
my dear little John Dodge. {exit Molly, e. 2 b. 

Sard. I'll have Twain watch her to-day, and see that no one 
comes near her. 

Enter Twain, l. 2 b. 

Twain. There ain't no black tea. 

Hard. Well, what have you got that is fit for a hog to drink? 

Twain. Swill. 

Sard. Silence, you rascal ! Havent you any tea at all? 

Tivain. Yes. 

Sard. What kind is it ? 

Twain. Japan-Young Hyson-Twankey 

Hard. Why the devil didn't you bring some of that long ago ? 
Come, no more of this nonsense. I am in a hurry. 

Twain. I fly. {exit l. 2 b. 

Sard. The fool ! I wonder if he thinks I can stay here all day. 

Enter Twain, L. 2 e., with tray, cup and saucer. 

Sard. Where is the toast? 

Twain. Oh yes, 1 forgot. {exit L. 2 B. with tray, 

Sard. I hope he has it right this time. 

Enter Twain, l. 2 b. 

Twain. Here's your breakfast, sir. 

Sard. There's the table, put it down. {Twain sits on table^ and 
drinks out of cup) Set those things on the table, and don't touch 
them, do you hear? 

Twain. Eh ! 

Sard. Put them on the table, and go ! 

Twain. Put these things on de table ? 

Sard. Yes. ( Twain puts tray on table — Sardlife picks up cup) 
Now go ! {tasets tea) Stop I Go and get me some boiling water. 

Twain. Some boiling water? 

Sard; Yes, this tea is too strong. 

Twain. I fly. {exit L. 2 B. 

Sard. Confound a fool, say I ! 

Enter Twain, l. 2 B. 

Twain. Do you want your boiling water boiled? 

Sard. Heavens, Twain 1 I'll smash your head, if you come back 
again with such questions. Go and get the water. 

Twain. I fly. {exit l. 2 e. 

Sard. I'll break every bone in that fellows body, some of these 
days, if he don't do better. {he eats. 

Enter Twain l. 2 e. with pitcher. 

Twain. Here's yer water, sar. Where do you want it ? 

Sard, Give it here, (powrs water in teacup) See here. Twain 1 I 



6 TWAIN'S DODGING. 

want you to watch Molly to-day, and see. that John Dodge don't see 
her. Do you hear ? 

Twain. Yes. I'm to watch Molly, and see that no one but John 
Dodge sees her, eh ? 

Hard. If he comes, you say she's not at home. 

Tivain. All right. 

Hard, {putting on hat) Now remember, don't let John Dodge in- 
to the house, or I'll break your neck. {exit R. 1 B. 

Twain, {feeling his neck) Not much, he'll not break my neck. 

Enter Molly, r. 2 E. 

Molly. Good morning, dear Twain I You are looking very sweet 
this morning, ain't you dear? 

Twain. I guess so. How do you tb ink you look ? 

Molly. Twaiu, do you like me much ? 

Twain. Yes, some. 

Molly. If you'll do me a favor to-day, I'll do anything you wish me 
to. Twain dear. 

Twain. What's the favor you want me to do ? 

Molly. Well, will you do it? 

Twain. Will you give me a smack, if I do ? 

Molly. Yes. 

Ttcaiii. A smack right on the mouth? 

Molly. ^ Yes. 

Twain. Well, I'll take the smack now. 

{opens his arms and approaches her. 

Molly. No ! I don't want to smack you before you do what I want. 

Twain. Well, what is it? 

Molly. There will be a young man here to see me, and when he 
comes, show him up to this room, will you? 

Twain. Is it John Dodge? 

Molly. Yes, it is. 

Twain. I can't let him in. 

Molly. Oh, but won't you, Twain. Eemember the smack. 

Tivain. Well, give it to me now, and I'll let him in. 

{kneels down and holds up his hands. 

Molly. Put down your hands ! ( Twain drops his hands) Now, one, 
two, three. {slaps him on the mouth as 

Enter John Dodge, l. u. e. 

Twain. That was a good smack. 

Jo?in. My darling Molly ! How happy I am to see you. 

{embraces Molly, c. 

Tivain. (r.) Be you John Dodge? 

John. Yes sir, that is my name. 

Twain. Well, I was told not to let you in, but you have got in 
without my knowing it, and as the old man said nothing about put- 
ting you out, I guess you can stay, but I'm going to watch you. 

John, {taking out money) Twain will you go and get me a cigar 
if you please ? You can keep the change. 

Twain, {takes money) Yes, I don't mind. {exit L. 2 E. 

jQhn. Now Molly, let us have a kiss. 

{Molly R. John l., run and meet c, are just about to kiss when 



TWAIN'S DODGlNa. ; 

Enter Twain, l. 2 E. 

Tvmin. I saw you, aud Vm going to tell. {going L. 

John (^ 31olly. [stopping him) Oh, don't Twain I 

Tvjain. Well, wliat'll you give me? 

John. A cigar. 

Twain. I don't smoke. 

John. Then I'll give you half a dollar. 

Twain. That ain't half enough. 

Joh7i, Then I'll give you a dollar. 

Tvmin. Well, give it here. 

John, {givivg hiyn, money) Now get me my cigar. 

Twain. I fly. (ga-;^ i,. 2 s. 

Molly. Now, John dear, we must have that kiss. 

{they embrace c. and are again seen by Twain. 

Enter Twain., L. 2 E. 

Twain. Oh now I caught you again. Give me another dollar. 
John. Come now, Twain, you'll rob me. I did give you a dollar. 
Twain. Then I'll go and tell. [goes l. John and Molly stop him. 
Molly. Oh, John dear, give him the dollar, or he will surely tell. 
Twain. Yes, I'll surely tell. 

John. Well, here's your dollar. Now go and get my cigar, will 
you? 

Twain. I fly. (^exit l. 2 b. 

John. Now let us kiss, 

Molly. No, he'll be back. Let us fool him, and only go half way. 
John. All right. ( they move toward each other, stop half way from c. 

Enter Twain, l. 2 e. 

Twain. I caught you again. Give me another dollar. 
Molly & John. No we didn't, we only went half way. {laugh. 
Txoain. Den give me half a dollar. 
John. No indeed, I won't. 

Tioain. {looking r.) Here comes de ole man. I guess you'd bet- 
ter git. 

Molly screams and runs out r. 2 e. John is trying to get under the 
table, and is held back by Twain. Enter Hardlife R., pounds John 
and Twain with club. 



CURTAIN, 



1 AMES' SERIES OF 

QTAMHADn AMH ftfllMHD HDAN/IA 


olANUAKU Ainu 


miiNun urmivirt. 

. A a/:^ 1 


FIFTfAy CEKTS F:iCH. 

j^^ A Full Descriptive Catalogue free to any one. ""^^ 


A Desperate Game 


Not So Bad After All 


A Capital Match 


Not as Deaf as He Seems 


An Unhappy Pair 


On the »ly 


A Ticket -A Leave 


Obedience 


A l.'onianlic Attachment 


Out in tne Streets 


A Day Well ;Spt'nt 


Paddy Miles' Boy 


A Pet of the imblic 


Poacher's Doom 


Arnsh DeBaiigh- 


Painter of Ghent 


An Unwelcome Return 


Rock Allen the Orphan 


Alarmingly Suspicioua 


Rescued 


A Lite's Kevenge 


Spy of Atlanta, 25 cts. 


At Lust 


Stocks Up Stocks Down 


Adrift 


Sport with a Sportsman 


An Awl'ul Criminal 


Schnapps 


Brigands of Calabria 


Some hotly 's Nobody 


Better Half 


Saved 


<.aptain Smith 


Sham Professor 


Cuming Man 


The Spy of Atlanta, 25 ets. 


Did 1 Dream it 


The Lady of Lyons 


Dumeslic Felicity 


The Studio 


Der T\v(j Siibprises 


The Vow of the Ornani 


Driven to the Wall 


The Better Half 


Deuce is in Him 


The Brigands of Calabria 


F'aldc Friend 


The Serf 


Fetter Lane to Gravesend 


The Poacher's Doom 


Give Me My Wile 


The Hunter of the Alps 


How He Did it 


Thirty-Three Next Birthday 


Hints on F^locution 


The Fainter of Ghent 


Handy Andy 


The Mistletoe Bough 


Flow Stout Vou're Getting 


The Miller of Derwent Water 


Henry Granden 


The Bewitched Closet 


Hans! tlie Dutch J. P. 


That Mysterious Bundle 


Hamlet 


The Two T. J-s. 


Hunter of the Alps (Law 


Ten Nights in a Bar-Room 


How i.t Tame Your Mother-iu- 


Three Glasses a Day 


In the Wr>)iig Box 


That Boy Sam 


John Smith 


The False Friend 


1 Joe's Visit 


The Sham Pro;essor 


Lady Audley's Secret 
Lady of Lyons 


The Reward of Crime 


The Deuce is in Him 


Life's Revenge 


The Coming Man 


1 Mr. and Mrs. Pringle 


Twain's Dodging 


My Heart's in the Highlands 


Vow of the Ornani 


My Wife's Relations 


When Women Weep 


Man and Wite 


Won at Last 


Mother's Fool 


Wooing Under Difficulties 


,Mistleto*e Bough 


Wrecked 


'Miller of Derwent Water 

• 


Which Will He Marry 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 







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